Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
