I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
