Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
