Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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