we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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