Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
