I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
