Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
