dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
