Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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