so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
