My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
