was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
