Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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