I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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