why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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