I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
