Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
