I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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