Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
