I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
