i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
