forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
im holly from the hills drunk
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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