why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
