Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
