dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
