it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize