At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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