i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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