my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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