i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
