What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
