I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
