I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
