I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize