I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
