god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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