have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
