I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
