You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
