we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
