went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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