Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
