her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize