you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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