I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
