Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
