I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
