Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
