I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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