I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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