moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
