Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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