She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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