Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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