Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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