This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
