kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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