I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
